show me the way ;

Sunday, June 29, 2008

~ 11:10 PM ~

After close to 7 months in JC, I seriously don't feel myself in JC at all. Rather, I still feel attached to Dunman. Although this may sound crazy, but it is true. I found my comfort zone with the NPCC people, be it the old batch or even the currently batch now. So long as I am doing NPCC stuff, I feel very comfortable with it, even though it is time consuming. I realised that i am different from the rest. The other Dunman people who went to MJC have found their comfort with the ODAC people which is good because they are in the new environment. But, I am still stuck at the old environment, unwilling to step out. Even if I am willing to do so, will I enjoy myself and find another comfort zone? I doubt so. I don't wish to say anything about my class but even Clement agrees with me.

I am constantly thinking whether am I in the right place? The TP people have mixed well with their poly friends and they are hanging out with each other very often. They have found new friends to hang out with but I still depending on them. I know I will be at the losing end but I seriously don't know what to do. Every week, I am always looking forward to fridays because that will be the day where I will go back to Dunman, back to my comfort zone.

I will always be the "missing" person in my group and class. I seldom join my class for other things and I will be busy trying to clear my work which caused me not able to go out with the usual group of us. I just realised that I have not been watching any movies lately and it is really pathetic. The TP people are like watching a movie a week and when I want to jio them to go watch movie together, they would have already watched that movie. My life is so dead now.

Can this problem be solved or I am just thinking too much? If it is the latter, I can't help. It is my character and no matter how much I try, I will eventually do so. There are even more things that I thought through about and whether I should be thinking about them, they will always be floating across my mind. I being a CI, friendship with other people and etc. I wanted to solve that certain problem which existed quite some time and it is a problem that no one knows about it. I don't wish to say either. Just hope that our friendship will just be back to normal again someday.

Emo-ing just seems to be a part of my life...

Monday, June 16, 2008

~ 12:27 AM ~

I can't believe it initially. I actually completed the CIBTC. Previously, I had plans to quit the course because of the amount of time I have to study for my MYE. Without much thinking, I just continued with the course and eventually finishing all three components of the course. Thinking back, it was actually a very good experience to go through the course, despite it being very tiring and time consuming. Life skills and way of thinking are just some things that I have learnt there. It believe they will be useful and effective in the near future.

Saw one of my primary school friend at the start of the course (course briefing day). She has changed quite a bit and she initially couldn't recognise me because I have changed drastically! Lol. Since then until now, I have wanted to start a normal conversation with her but I simply couldn't. Even a "hi' was not even said. I was wondering what stopped me from going up to her and chat with her. When we were in primary school, we had much things to talk about. But now, it seems impossible. Perhaps is because of the different secondary school that we have gone to? She went to DHS then to VJC while I went to dunman then to MJC. But whatever it is, I am happy to see her again and wish her all the best in NPCC and studies. Yup.

During the ATC, much have been learnt and mistakes have been made. All these aided me in my learning process and the path to be a good CI. Mistakes made due to character are difficult to be corrected as it takes time to change one's character. Being impatient and rash are never good in a team and when one is working with other people whom he doesn't know very well, there bound to be awkard moments. It happened during the camp and I sincerely apologised for what had happened. I am a perfectionist and organised person. When things are not as what I wanted, pardon me for what's going to happen next.

Looking at the batch as a whole, they are friendly people. It is nice talking to them and they will automatically talk to u. However, there are people who are like two faced? Sometimes, they will talk to you and the next moment, they treat your words like passing wind, acting they didn't hear anything. I don't know whether I am right or wrong but it doesn't really matter to me. That's so much for opening up and talking to strangers. And furthermore, I am the only one from dunman who attended the course. At times, I do get jealous when people start to talk to people from their own school. Anyway, I got to know a number of people from Area 8 and I think I should be seeing them again very soon, maybe during area ATC or Drill Competition which is this coming Saturday.

Well, after close to two months of training, I am about to pass out soon. The POC will be on Friday and after that, I will be a PCI till I meet the requirements to be a full fledged CI. I just hope that everything will be just fine and smooth and all the best to myself, the Echo squad and the entire J08 batch.

Gambate Gambate Rah Rah
J08 J08 Rah Rah
Rah
Rah
Raahhhhhhhhh!

Thursday, June 05, 2008

~ 2:03 PM ~

Sometimes, I do wonder whether it was a right decision for me to go to a JC. I see my friends around me like Aaron, Zehui, Kah Hwee they all, having so much fun with their poly classmates. Taking photos together, going out cycling, eating dinner and even study together. To be honest, all these do make me jealous of them at times. I don't see this happening in "there". What's bonding, what's unity or even what's fun? Do they even know? Even if they know, how many of them actually know? Everything started to change, a change which I don't really like. And furthermore, I have been busy lately with NPCC until a point where I can hardly have time to go out with them. You may say that they will understand my situation and after the course is over, everything will be just fine. But during then, will we still go out together like before? Especially when it is near the end of year and all those major exams are around the corner?

There are just too many uncertainties in life and I hate to proceed when there are too many of those. Its just too risky for me to continue. Wanting to balance everything but it doesn't seems to be working at all. For me, planning and balancing are certainly a failure.

My blog is just seems so sad and a place for me to type out my thoughts. Well, that's me. Thinking and worrying a lot at times.

Monday, June 02, 2008

~ 10:13 PM ~

I just realised that I have not been updating my blog for like about three months? I am seriously sorry. I have been busy with studies and maybe NPCC? Running here and there, working till 1am - 2am before I can go and sleep. And besides, I am now attending the CIBTC. So that makes me even more busier. My parents keep on saying that I shouldn't join or whatever, but then again, I actually find the pleasure of going, learning certain things that I couldn't learn from books. However, it is not that fun either. Tiring and stressful.. Contradicting eh? Lol.

Had Dunman NPCC annual camp last week. Initially, I didn't expect myself to be the OIC of the camp, until Aaron and Kah Hwee said they have poly exams and had to pass the position to someone else. But I have to be thankful to both of them. Aaron had a talk with me when we went to bathe on the second night of the camp. The camp or rather him made me realised things that I didn't realise at the beginning. Mistakes have been made and no matter how much I have tried to defend myself, I was always at the losing end. Was I being too self sacrificial, too lenient, too relax on them, too worried? I believe so. That shouldn't be the case of a CI-to-be. After all, I am still a CIT, still in the process of learning. But I doubt I can even change. That's my character. I sometimes wonder, am i really up to be a CI even if I complete the course? I am different from any other CIs in Dunman if some of you guys do realise. I am not even harsh on them and they say I am "nua". But is like, if the people do understand me when I talk to them, why bother to raise my voice or even use another different tone to bring my message across to them? I don't know. I have an inner struggle now. That struggle shall not be said here as its rather sensitive. Am I just worrying too much or that's fact?